‘STOP NATHANIAL STOP!’ Screamed Mary as she sank to the floor crying.
His hammer blows rained on the walls, plaster flying all over the room.
‘They’re in there, I can hear them mocking me!’ He swung the hammer again, swearing at imagined demons.
‘No Nathanial, no. There’s nothing there.’ Mary placated her insane husband.
The house had never been the same since their daughter had fallen down the stairs to her death.
Nathanial fell to his knees, hammer clutched tight to his chest, sobbing. ‘I should have saved her from them’.
Mary held him, rocking him like their lost child.
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Another submission for Friday Fictioneers 100 word flash fiction project.
Oh Kelly,
Such a well-written heart breaker.
shalom,
Rochelle
I liked this, and could well imagine the scene. One minor point: I thought the sentence ‘the house had never been the same…. ” was a little expositional, and what had gone before could be woven into the rest. Just a thought 😉
Thank you Sandra, all thoughts welcome. I see what you mean, but well, there it is. 🙂
An excellent tragedy. I agree with Sandra that you could get rid of “the house had never been the same,” and weave in the bit about the daughter falling down the stairs elsewhere. Also, “Mary placated her insane husband,” is unnecessary and redundant, as we see her do just that and can figure out that he’s insane from the context of the story. Finally, “Screamed” in your opening paragraph is unnecessary. – “Stop, Nathanael, stop!” Mary fell to the floor crying. – is just as effective, but more powerful as it contains no disposable words.
Losing a child must be horrible! Thanks for a good story.
very creative and enjoyable take, albeit it tragic.
Very nice piece of work. I’ll leave the constructive editing to others. I read for pleasure.
Though the context is totally different I can’t help thinking about the songtext “oh no Nathaniel” from Jeff Wayne’s version of War of the Worlds … so sad .. so sad…
Ah, Julie Covington & Phil Lynott – exactly where I got the inspiration. Thanks Bjorn.
I thought Mary and Nathaniel could not have been a coincidence…
I think The Parson’s wife was called Beth on the record though. It’s been a while since I played it. My father has the original double vinyl! I’ve only got the CDs.
You are right.. yes she was Beth.. I know it’s on Spotify, but it’s been a while since I listened.. but here it is
Fighting the demons lurking outside to kill the one inside! Nicely woven Kelly !
One of the greatest fears of a parent.
Well done. Thanks for sharing.
A terrible thing, mental illness. Hope he recovers and the family is saved.
The torment and grief came across really well. How awful for both of them
Congratulations, Kelly, on moving me almost to tears. This is a distressing and extremely sad situation.
So sad to feel the pain of such suffering…emotionally spent:(
Kelly, Beautifully written tragedy. It’s got to be a nightmare for a parent to lose a child. You truly described the fellings in your story. Well written. —Susan
Brilliant little story. Perfectly described, so much so that I can picture the scene. Cleverly done.
Well written and so sad. You’ve done a fine job here.
Such a moving story, very well written, so much emotion stirred in so few words.
Thank you Maree. A true madness descends on some.
Has drama and emotions. Poor man!
Oh my, what a story! You know, I don’t know how anyone would react to the loss of a child. I have lost a grandchild, the day after birth, but not an older child which I think would drive most people crazy. How sad, and his wife wants to comfort him so much. I hope he finds peace! Good story! Nan 🙂
Hi Nan, thank you. I can’t imagine how it feels to loose a child (I have two) and have enormous sympathy for anyone who goes through that.