New Clear Vision

Image

The world was in turmoil, conflict everywhere, escalating violence and unrest.

 

The radio announcer spoke with a tremor in his voice.

‘When you hear the air attack warning, you and your family must take cover.’

 

Everyone in the shop had felt the bomb detonate. They downed tools, faced Washington, and waited.

The birds had stopped singing, the silence was deafening as the countryside seemed to hold it’s breath, but only for a moment.

The shop owner counted ‘One, two three….’ The blinding glare preceded the shockwave. Everyone burned. Then nothing. Nothing.

The new world order had begun.

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32 Responses to New Clear Vision

  1. Doesn’t sound as though there’s much left for the new world order.

    janet

  2. kz says:

    a terrifying tale. i enjoyed the vivid descriptions, the birds that stopped singing and the deafening silence…

  3. Sandra says:

    Very very chilling!

  4. Sarah says:

    I love this line, “The birds had stopped singing, the silence was deafening as the countryside seemed to hold it’s breath, but only for a moment.” I almost wonder if it would have been more powerful to end on the “nothing,” but I can see how there’s the fear in the unknown of the new world order.

    • Thank you for your kind words Sarah. I did think on ending with ‘nothing’ but felt a little hope was required in offering the suggestion that a new order had arrived, after all, what’s the planet for if not for some kind of life.

  5. Your Armageddon story is adrenaline fueled. Nice writing.

  6. Thanks for the comments, I like a good dose of doom, the musical musings of Frankie Goes to Hollywood helped me a long a little here. If you’ve never heard it, search for the extended version (there were a few) of their song ‘Two Tribes’ from the mid ’80s.

  7. Nan Falkner says:

    So scary! Really good! Nan

  8. Dear Kelly,

    I fear your story could be the epilogue to mine. Good one. Bleak and chilling.

    shalom,

    Rochelle

  9. That is indeed a very clean sweep of things. It looks the cockroaches’ persistence has paid off and they’re now the dominant life form on Earth. A pretty scary vision.
    -David

  10. Starting anew.. The neutron bomb nightmare coming back from the Cold War .

  11. liz young says:

    Dreadful image well drawn.

  12. Helena Hann-Basquiat says:

    I suspect I’m going to be reading a lot of utter destruction stories — and you’ve done such a good job, I’ll be measuring the others against yours, darling.
    I’m not writing this week, but I’d love it if you’d drop by my blog for a second anyway, I posted a big announcement today.

  13. Linda Vernon says:

    The fact that the new world order isn’t getting much out of it at the end puts a nice little spin of revenge at the end. 😀

  14. Your piece was very descriptive, and a warning that we better seek peace with each other before it’s too late.

  15. camgal says:

    As Chilling as the cold I am currently experiencing lol 🙂

  16. storydivamg says:

    Bleak but powerful. I agree that it would be better without the final sentence. For your consideration:

    The birds had stopped singing, the silence was deafening. The countryside held its breath. For a moment.

    The shop owner counted, “One. Two. Three.” A blinding glare preceded the shockwave, Incineration followed. Then nothing.

    Nothing.

    • MrBinks says:

      Whilst there is nothing wrong with the way you’ve written that (there’s also nothing wrong with the original writing style either, by the way) what it does do is completely change the way the story ends.

      Whilst grammatical pointers are always welcome (I think) I’m not sure we should be encouraging people to change the entire view of their story, should we?

      Again – 100% not looking to pick a fight, I just thought it prudent to point out the power of removing a few words.

      • storydivamg says:

        I had no intention to offend. I’m not offended if you disagree with my suggestions. I am offended a tiny bit at what I take to be a reprimand for providing feedback on a piece that I think needs to be a little tighter. It’s my opinion, that is all. Words have much power. Too many of them makes a work much weaker than it would be otherwise. You’ve probably heard this from teachers, editors and so on. It’s harder to remember when someone says it about your baby. That doesn’t make it less true.

        I know that some fictioneers don’t want any critique, but I didn’t see this note on your blog. My apologies if I missed that detail. I try to be sensitive to this as I know people write here for many different reasons. If your response is just a knee-jerk reaction to a crit, I totally get it. We all do that sometimes. Whatever the case, I’m not judging your reaction, just pointing out that my response was no more harsh or different than the responses I’ve been giving in online critique forums for the past decade.

        Anyway, peace! I’ll remain silent from now on unless I hear back. I certainly don’t wish to take the joy of writing away from anyone by over critquing.

        All my best,

  17. Hello storydivamg,
    I’m always happy for others to leave their thoughts. Have another look at the comment above and you’ll see it’s not from me.
    This particular story ended the way I wanted it to end, without the last line the end is absolute, the last line offers a glimmer of hope in that there’s someone to say it!

    Kelly

    • storydivamg says:

      Kelly, My apologies. I don’t see a way to message privately. (I’m new to the format on WordPress, obviously. 🙂 ) I like this and would love to give some in-depth feedback because I think it deserves polishing and a good home. Clearly, others have an issue with that, but if you’d like to communicate, simply come to my “about” page where you can see my contact information.

      • Hello again,
        Largely, for me at least, these 100 word stories are what they are. Written with a moments inspiration and there for all to see. I never edit them, preferring to leave any typographic or punctuation errors in place, especially when a comment may reference them. As I’m not a professional writer (just a humble graphic designer) I don’t seek feedback other than the comments kindly left by the other writers on Rochelle’s Friday Fictioneers. Thank you though for taking the time to read my story and being so enthusiastic as to even want to work on my piece some more.
        Kelly

  18. MrBinks says:

    @storydivamg It’s not my piece, so no, I’m not offended and certainly not reprimanding.
    I completely agree with the theory that saying what needs to be said in as few words as possible is always stronger.

    The point I was making about your feedback is that taking away the words you did didn’t make the same story tighter, it changed the outcome completely.

  19. atrm61 says:

    OMG!Doomsday ahead!Terrifying and I loved the way you wrote it AA:-)

  20. AnnIsikArts says:

    There are many who believe or at least suspect the planet will survive humankind. You write well. This was very visual. I like the double nothing.

  21. AnnIsikArts says:

    P S You don’t need an apostrophe in your ‘its’. 🙂

  22. Wow! Did the cockroaches survive? Well told tale of The End.

  23. Apocalyptic! I loved this, it was so scary. I also felt really bad for all those who perished. A terrible beginning to a new world…

  24. It’s funny how we as a species assume that actually, any new world order will be run by us. Not so, I imagine. A great, chilling tale.

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